How are you 

(I don't really care)

It happens all the time, you're on the phone with someone or you meet up somewhere and they inevitably ask the question "How are you?". Now for most people, this is a simple and harmless question generally used as a polite conversation starter. You answer the expected "Fine", probably not far from true for most people, and bounce the question back. For people like us however, 'fine' is so far from the truth that even 100 'Our father's' and 50 'Hail Mary's' wouldn't absolve you. It seems like such a simple phrase when you think about it. 
"I'm fine"
But for us, even this can't be easy. 


So how do you answer? Well you could be honest and tell the poor unsuspecting person, who's probably smiling, how you really feel.
Which might go something like this:


     "Well actually, I'm doing pretty lousy. My joints are all killing me, my back is throbbing, I can hardly move my fingers without sharp shooting pains, my eyes are so dry they burn, and I have these muscle spasms in my legs that wake me up so I'm even more tired than I am normally. The medication isn't really helping and I'm starting to give up hope I'll ever feel better."


At this point the smile has probably turned into an uncomfortable blank stare and your speechless friend is wondering why they ever asked in the first place. I mean really, what can you say to that? "I'm sorry", "That sucks" It's awkward and you know they really didn't want to know when they asked you. Chances are they really only asked to be polite or because they expected you to say something generic and positive. 


What then - lie? You could just say you're fine and come to terms with the fact that you can add 'liar' to the list of things wrong with you. And let's face it, most of the time this is what we do and it probably makes sense- but what about when it doesn't? We lie and say we're fine to be polite or to not burden others with our negativity or maybe because we just don't want to hear ourselves complain anymore. The problem is people are all too willing to believe our lie. They want to think everything is fine even if in reality you're in so much pain you want to curl up and cry. If we are fine though it's ok to suggest that hike in the mountains, or an all day shopping trip, or for help moving or carrying boxes up two flights of stairs. It is also ok to expect us to work, cook, clean, and take care of a family like we always did before. It makes sense, if we are fine we should be able to do those things. If we are fine, we are expected to do the things that people who are fine do. But we aren't fine. 


So what do you say then when someone asks how you are? I guess for most of us, the majority of the time it's just easier to lie and tell people what they want to hear. We know they aren't looking for an honest answer most of the time and giving them one is only going to make things awkward and uncomfortable. This does come at a price though. It's one more burden on us, one more feeling to hide, one more smile to fake. 


Maybe a better solution is to get one of those buttons you see store employees or people trying to sell you something wearing sometimes that say something like "Ask me how I can save you money" or "Ask me about gourds" (seriously I saw that when I looked for an image). At least it will give people a conversation starter that doesn't start off with "How are you?"